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The CIA has an opening for an assassin.
After all the backround checks, interviews & testings were done, there were 3 women
finalists...a Cree, a Northern Cheyenne, and a Crow.
For the final test, the CIA agent
took the Cree woman & handed her a gun... "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances.
Inside this room you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Kill him."
The Cree woman said, "you can't be serious.
I could never shoot my husband." The agent said, "then you're not the right woman for this job. Take your husband and go home."
The
second woman, a Northern Cheyenne, was given the same instruction. She took the gun & went into the room. All was quiet
for about 5 minutes. Then she came out with tears in her eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my husband". The agent said, "you
don't have what it takes. Take your husband and go home."
Finally, it was the Crow woman's turn. She was given the
same instruction to kill her husband. She took the gun & went into the room.
Shots were heard... one shot after
the other. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet,
the door opened slowly
and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow.... "this gun is loaded with blanks!!", she said, "so
I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Hind Lick
TWO HILLBILLIES WALK INTO A BAR, WHILE HAVING A SHOT OF WHISKEY, THEY
TALK ABOUT THEIR MOONSHINE
OPERATION.
SUDDENLY, A WOMAN AT A NEARBY TABLE WHO WAS EATING A SANDWICH BEGINS
TO COUGH. AFTER A MINUTE OR SO,
IT BECOMES APPARENT SHE IS IN REAL
DISTRESS ONE OF THE HILLBILLIES LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS "KIN YA
SWALLAR?"
THE
WOMAN SHAKES HER HEAD NO.
"KIN YA BREATHE?"
THE WOMAN BEGINS TO TURN BLUE AND SHAKES HER HEAD NO.
THE
HILLBILLY WALKS OVER TO THE WOMAN, LIFTS UP THE BACK OF HER
DRESS, YANKS DOWN HER DRAWERS AND QUICKLY GIVES HER RIGHT BUTT
CHEEK
A LICK WITH HIS TONGUE.
THE WOMAN WAS SO SHOCKED THAT SHE HAS A VIOLENT SPASM, AND THE
OBSTRUCTION FLEW
OUT OF HER MOUTH. AS SHE BEGINS TO BREATHE AGAIN,
THE HILLBILLY WALKS SLOWLY BACK TO THE BAR.
HIS PARTNER SAID,
"YA KNOW, I'D HEERD OF THAT THERE 'HIND LICK
MANEUVER', BUT I AIN'T NEVER SEED NOBODY DO IT."
Shy Indian Men
There is a beautiful deserted island in
the middle of nowhere where the following group of people is stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German
men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish
woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Indian men and 1 Indian woman
One month later on this absolutely
stunning deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following has occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian
man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a "menage a trois".
The
two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are
sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at
the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The Irish began by dividing up their
island, Northside and Southside,
and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because
it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of
coconut whiskey, but at least the English are not getting any.
The
two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while
the American woman keeps on talking about her body being
her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the
equal division of household
chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her
much nicer and how
her relationship with her mother is improving. But
at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
...AND...
The
2 Indian men are still waiting for someone to introduce them to
the Indian woman. shhhhhhhhhht...............shhhhhhhht....
Top 10 Things You Can Say To A White Person Upon First Meeting
10. How much white are you?
9. I'm part white myself, you know.
8. I learned all
your people's ways in the Boy Scouts
7. My great-great-grandmother was a full-blooded white- Canadian
princess.
6.
Funny, you don't look white.
5. Where's your powdered wig and knickers?
4. Do you live in a covered wagon?
3.
What's the meaning behind the square dance?
2. What's your feeling about river-boat casinos? Do they really help
your
people, or are they just a short-term fix?
1. Oh wow, I really love your hair! Can I touch it?
21 Reasons Why You Have To Love Indian Women
1. ...for their ability to play rez ball , take care of 20 kids, and
manage to make sandwiches
at the same time when at a basketball
tournament.
2. ...for their quick response to guys saying "shht, shht".
3.
...for any reason to say "Aye!" at the end of a joke.
4. ...for their ability to cram 20 people in one room at the
Super 8
motel during a powwow.
5. ...for their ability to make commodity food taste like a 4-star
culinary feast.
6.
...for their ability to make those breakfast/lunch/dinner burritos
that we all love so much.
7. ...for their ability
to expertly point with their lips at that
fine grass dancer with the long braids.
8. ...for their ability to make
a rez car look good.
9. ...for their ability to change a tire.
10. ...for those little hairs that always seem
to stick up no matter
how much hairspray applied.
11. ...for their ability to work wonders with bailing wire and,
of
course, duct tape!!
12. ...for their ability to keep sweat pants fashionable no matter
what occasion.
13.
...for their ability to make that all-tourney t-shirt and shorts
into the one and only Indian "swimsuit."
14. ...for
their ability to stay out all Friday night at the Indian
Casino and still hit the early Saturday morning yard sales.
15.
...for their ability to make Black Lodge miss a beat with her
long hair, shady brown eyes, and feather light dancing.
16.
...for their ability to lead all the round dance songs at the
Gathering's 49.
17. ...for their tendency to want
to bead every clothing item of the
entire family.
18. ...for their ability to give one "look" at their man to shut
him
up.
19. ...for her ability to go the store with those infamous pink
rollers in her hair with not one hint
of embarrassment. shrub no
matter how small.
20. ...for their ability to somehow get her husband to ask for some
of
his money out of his own paycheck.
21. ...and last but not least for their wonderful ability to sneak 10
extra drumsticks
of chicken and biscuits into their Tupperware from
the buffet in town to later feed the family.
HOW TO IMPRESS AN INDIAN MAN
Show up naked with fry bread
You know it's time to lose weight when:
* You can't see your moccasin strings anymore
* You "duck" during the duck and dive and you
can't get back up
* You find yourself bringing zip lock bags and a sack to the powwow feast
* You get in line
twice at the powwow feast and lie by saying, "this plate is for my grandma who's sitting in the car," and you don't realize
she just went through the line 10 people ahead of you.
* You can't fit your choker, because you no longer have a neck
*
Your family has to stop half way to the powwow to replace the springs on your car
* The car naturally tilts downward
on the side you always ride on
* The youngest kid with the shortest legs has to sit behind your seat, because you have
to have the seat pulled all the way back to fit your beefy legs into the car
* You eat Indian Tacos like potato chips
*
You don't even feel your mosquito bites
* You have to "rock" a few times to get up out of your chair
* People
mistake you for a teepee when you wear a white tshirt
* You have to "lift" your stomach to show off your new beaded
belt buckle
* You order a coke and the waitress asks, "Diet?"
* You almost pass out in the sweathouse using
only one rock
* You get scared your belly button might come untied
* In a powwow crowd of 1,000 people, everyone
stops you to ask your advice about the best food stands AND where's the best fry bread
stand
* Other dancers use
you for shade in grand entry line
* You lose a $1,000 dance contest because your excess didn't stop in time with the
drum
* Your buckskin dress looks like you're still sitting down even if you're up walking around
* You have
to have your parade horse backed up next the car so you can climb up on the hood of the car and get on
* Your parade
horse is a "Clydesdale"
On Government, Morality, Zero Gravity
Government:
What's the difficulty about drafting a Constitution for Iraq?
Why don't we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of
really smart guys, it's worked for over 200 years, and hell,
we're not
using it anymore. _______________
Morality:
The reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a
courthouse
is that you cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal",
"Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery", and "Thou Shalt not bear
false witness
against thy neighbor" in a building full of
lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile
working environment.
______________
Zero Gravity:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly
discovered that ball
point pens would not work in zero
gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a
decade and millions of dollars
developing a pen that writes
in zero gravity upside-down on almost any surface including
glass and at below freezing
to over 300° C.
The Russians used a pencil. Your taxes will be due again.
Enjoy paying them. _
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