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INSTA-INDIAN KIT
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Some days, it's easier being Indian than others. But for those who are not
Indian every day, it is a sad chore. And these seemingly millions of
Americans need help. So for those of you who wish to be like an Indian and
for yooz' who didn't remember you were (until the advent of per capita
payments and land settlements) I offer you this, the byproduct of a
sympathetic moment of pure inspiration - the Skin-tacular "Insta-Indian
kit".


Now, for a mere $39.95 a month of neverending but nonetheless easy
installment payments, you will receive these unique and wonderful goods:


* clip-on braids (for matching hair dye add $14.95, plus shipping and
handling),


* faded bandana of red or blue,


* certificate of genuine Indian ancestry, with choices like "Cherokee
Princess" or "Commanche Chief" (for a real tribe add $14.95, plus shipping
and handling),


* tanning solution with extra oil for that "just-off-the-rez glow,"


* old set of keys to car "left on the rez" and parked in "some cousins"
yard,


* set of razor blades (Indians aren't very hairy),


* fringed vest with complimentary "Indian Power" button, beaded earrings for
women, blurred tattoos for men,


* powwow schedule for those wanting to observe Indians in social environment
without detection (Warning: Anthropologists beware. All your sad theses and
previous conclusions will be shattered.),


* individualized and company-registered nickname (All Indians have some sort
of personal appellation i.e., Sun Dog, Pooky, Skin, Buck, Wabooz, Brokedown,
Jr., and such like.),


* recipe book for commodity rations (including a no-fail absolutely
delicious macaroni soup - nourishment that saved our Nations),


* AND a video list of Indian movies to see and make reference to (movies not
included, duh)!


BONUS! For those who order early, you will receive a phrase book that
includes the proper way to say, "Ayyyy!" with the appropriate head movements
and some slang from the Nation of your choice. The book also includes
fail-safe vague references to the "rez" and some handy-dandy pan-Indian
sayings such as, "walking the red road," "circle of life," "seven
generations" and "all my relations" -at no extra cost!


PLUS the definitions of cultural gestures, such as asking, "Where are you
from?" Are cross-referenced in a glossary of Native terms and customs.


SUPER BONUS!! Add $100 for postage and handling I will send you a sporadic
newsletter with vague, libelous rumors circulating in Indian Country! This
way you will not be "out of the loop" in any conversation with real Indians.


Why, you may ask, am I doing this, selling trade secrets that will certainly
infuriate some Authentic Natives? Well, we real Indians could all use a
little break now and then. We could utilize folks who could step in. After
all, there are only so many Natives to go around, and we're spread so thin
across the country that we end up being some kind of advocate whether we
wanted the job or not. Besides, this will free up more time for us to get
the important work done, like suing the U.S. of A. for back rent, mineral,
natural resources and trademark infringement rights. (Hey, somebody's got to
do it!).


It's like my Unk Rosco used to say, "It ain't easy being Indian" -especially
when 'yer a Wannabee or a Yoostabee.


For help, call 909-WAN-NABE! Now! Genuine Indians are waiting to take your
call! (Family packages available.)


*If you find yourself inexplicably craving government Commodity cheese,
don't give in! Send a brick of it to me for a barter-bargain and get as much
as 20% off your total order!"

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