Some days, it's easier being Indian than others. But for those who are not
Indian every day,
it is a sad chore. And these seemingly millions of
Americans need help. So for those of you who wish to be like an Indian
for yooz' who didn't remember you were (until the advent of per capita
payments and land settlements) I offer
you this, the byproduct of a
sympathetic moment of pure inspiration - the Skin-tacular "Insta-Indian
for a mere $39.95 a month of neverending but nonetheless easy
installment payments, you will receive these unique and
* clip-on braids (for matching hair dye add $14.95, plus shipping and
faded bandana of red or blue,
* certificate of genuine Indian ancestry, with choices like "Cherokee
or "Commanche Chief" (for a real tribe add $14.95, plus shipping
* tanning solution with extra
oil for that "just-off-the-rez glow,"
* old set of keys to car "left on the rez" and parked in "some cousins"
* set of razor blades (Indians aren't very hairy),
* fringed vest with complimentary "Indian
Power" button, beaded earrings for
women, blurred tattoos for men,
* powwow schedule for those wanting to
observe Indians in social environment
without detection (Warning: Anthropologists beware. All your sad theses and
conclusions will be shattered.),
* individualized and company-registered nickname (All Indians have some sort
of personal appellation i.e., Sun Dog, Pooky, Skin, Buck, Wabooz, Brokedown,
Jr., and such like.),
book for commodity rations (including a no-fail absolutely
delicious macaroni soup - nourishment that saved our Nations),
* AND a video list of Indian movies to see and make reference to (movies not
For those who order early, you will receive a phrase book that
includes the proper way to say, "Ayyyy!" with the appropriate
and some slang from the Nation of your choice. The book also includes
fail-safe vague references to
the "rez" and some handy-dandy pan-Indian
sayings such as, "walking the red road," "circle of life," "seven
and "all my relations" -at no extra cost!
PLUS the definitions of cultural gestures, such as asking, "Where are
from?" Are cross-referenced in a glossary of Native terms and customs.
SUPER BONUS!! Add $100 for postage
and handling I will send you a sporadic
newsletter with vague, libelous rumors circulating in Indian Country! This
you will not be "out of the loop" in any conversation with real Indians.
Why, you may ask, am I doing this, selling
trade secrets that will certainly
infuriate some Authentic Natives? Well, we real Indians could all use a
now and then. We could utilize folks who could step in. After
all, there are only so many Natives to go around, and we're
spread so thin
across the country that we end up being some kind of advocate whether we
wanted the job or not. Besides,
this will free up more time for us to get
the important work done, like suing the U.S. of A. for back rent, mineral,
resources and trademark infringement rights. (Hey, somebody's got to
It's like my Unk Rosco used
to say, "It ain't easy being Indian" -especially
when 'yer a Wannabee or a Yoostabee.
For help, call 909-WAN-NABE!
Now! Genuine Indians are waiting to take your
call! (Family packages available.)
*If you find yourself inexplicably
craving government Commodity cheese,
don't give in! Send a brick of it to me for a barter-bargain and get as much
20% off your total order!"